Introduction: if I’m honest, today’s story is a load of nonsense. My prompt was the first two words, and it spiralled out from there. Hopefully, it’s funny nonsense rather than nonsense nonsense, but only you can decide whether that’s the case. Enjoy.
I hope this letter finds you well. Well, as well as one can be after all that’s happened to you. I heard about Fred, and I can’t quite believe it. A turtle? I mean, it’s not a normal way to go is it? What was he thinking? Sorry, it is, of course, a tragedy and my family and I’s thoughts are with you. We’re sorry we couldn’t make the funeral, but the building work in the back garden made it impossible. While they say that the ladder will reach the moon, I have my doubts. They seem as interested in eating my biscuits as they are lunar exploration.
Did you hear about Sandra? We won’t be seeing her for a while, that’s for certain. Women of a certain age should not take up streaking, and to do it during old Mr Jones’ funeral seemed very inappropriate. The poor widow didn’t know where to look when she tried to do a cartwheel and fell in the grave. It was a good thing she didn’t burst right through the coffin. Although knowing Mr Jones, he would have enjoyed a naked woman falling onto his lap, even in death. He always preferred to keep it in someone else’s pants rather than his own.
Of course, we also heard about your Tommy and his big job in the city. Do the penguins come directly to him or do they use a human intermediary? It’s funny to think of those silly looking birds being so smart, isn’t it? My Sam tells me I should be careful what I say, although I can’t see why they’d care about little old me. Tommy’s obviously doing well to profit off it, though, you can’t deny that. People are dying, but he’ll have some cash in his pocket, and that’s important too.
Betsy sends her best, and she said to remind you about next month. Something about the cabbages? I’ve no idea, to be honest, she talks a lot of nonsense these days, I think her mind is going. The other day she started screaming in the supermarket, no reason, she even said herself she just thought it would be fun. They kicked us out! Can you believe it, someone my age being kicked out of somewhere? It was shameful, and we only went in for a peek at the new boy they’ve got working there. Well, I say boy. Are they still a boy when they’re not human? He was a funny looking chap, massive ears and no nose. Although, Sally says those things aren’t their ears. They’re like arms or something? I don’t know, it all seems a bit of a nonsense to me. One of the governments will have something to do with. Probably the Americans, they’ve been weird ever since they elected that bloke in the bad wig.
Anyway, I should be getting off. Give my love to the kids and tell your sister that I’m asking after her. Whatever happened to her fella? Did he end up going on that mission? I don’t know why anyone would want to go to that place, but he was always a weird one, wasn’t he? Obsessed with finding things out even if it did mean stepping through one of those dimension door things. There was a man on the news who was talking about the food there, and apparently, they eat rocks? That’s not proper, is it? Talking of food, I’ll send you some cookies for Christmas, I know how you love them.
All the best,